*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
You Might Also Like
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’