I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
それは草
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
never compromise your values
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
⛄️
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks