cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does