*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.