To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.