boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
This made me chuckle.