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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.