WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
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Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
This rocks
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.