Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
United Steaks of America
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf