It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up