Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I thought this was funny lol
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions