So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
That’s incredible! 👌
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.