Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
You better watch out
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.