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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then