[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.