it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
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people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Cake safety first. Always.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.