On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
ugh not again
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle