SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”