you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
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To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
This is the best one I’ve seen
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.