‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Need WebMD
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.