My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
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Dating is rough.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
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Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
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[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.