My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
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Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
OH. COME. ON.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark