They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts