Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals