I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
ibopfufen
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar