Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
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You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
ready to be harvested
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another