Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
What kind of a cult is this?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world