Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
They did not think through this water fountain
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International