I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
HR said no more nunchucks.
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.