Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
me when the borders lift
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I feel seen.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.