My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.