Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?