my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Twitter is an abusement park.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.