In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
forgive me baja for i have blast
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?