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sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Meow
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”