When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
You Might Also Like
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.