[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“That’s what” – She
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.