FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.