17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
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it’s finally my moment to shine
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
worst…sale…ever
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
This could be us but you eatin’
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW