“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
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The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
what does he know…
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.