Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
“no gods no masters” = leo
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it