Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.