As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
This is true.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*