It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day