Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
How your email finds me
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.