YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
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I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I want what they have
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not