it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Sorry. Not sorry
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.