I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
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being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
fr
gentlemen, hear me out
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.