got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.