Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
You Might Also Like
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
“i miss shittin on people”
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”